“I can’t wait until they’re done talking, so I can share a similar story but when it happened to me…” Do you find yourself having this internal dialogue when someone is sharing? Are you looking to deepen your listening skills and enhance the way you communicate? It’s not necessarily about talking less, it’s about speaking with an intention to learn more from the other person. Here we’ve identified the different levels of listening and how to deepen your skills.
Level One is from the narrative mentioned up above, your response has a lot more to do with “me” than it has to do with what “you”, the other person is sharing. Where I always see this level of listening is when people share stories about their recent vacation (back in the day when we used to actually go on vacations…). I’m sure you’ve seen this play out many-a-times and if we’re being honest, you’ve probably experienced it from both sides.
Laura: How was your vacation last week in Paris?
Miguel: It was amazing! My favorite thing was the food!
Laura: Oh yea, I remember when I went to Paris I went to Le Relais de L’Entrecôte and had the steak and fries and it was to die for! By far my favorite restaurant, I also went to…
It almost reminds me of ping pong or tennis, where you go one for one. If we think of listening levels in terms of depth of water, it’s like you’re diving into the water with no goggles, you only see when you want to see. Similarly, every new share from the first speaker, the second one shares a related experience that happened to them.
Now if Level One was bare eyes underwater, Level Two listening is like putting on swimming goggles. You’re able to see clearly underwater. Level Two is about focusing on the other person, the “you”. In this level, your intent is to listen to understand, to come from a place of curiosity, and you want the other person to walk away feeling heard. This may sound like…
Laura: How was your vacation last week in Paris?
Miguel: It was amazing! My favorite thing was the food!
Laura: What was your favorite meal?
Miguel: I know it sounds simple but the orange juice and almond croissants were my favorites, so delicious!
Laura: Wow that does sound delicious! Was there anything you didn’t get a chance to eat, that was on your list?
Miguel: It’s funny that you say that, I feel very proud to answer happily and confidently- nope.
What do you notice from this conversation versus the first one? What calls out to you? How would you feel walking away from that conversation if you were Miguel? Do you feel like Laura really listened, did she lean into the Level Two fundamentals?
Now for the Third Level of listening, this is where you rip off your generic goggles and throw on your scuba mask! Level Three allows you to dive deep and explore, metaphorically that is. Level Three transcends beyond words and embodies the entire speaker, such as body language, tone, pauses, energy, shifting around, it’s about the things that aren’t being said, reading in between the lines that let you know when you’re in a Level Three.
Miguel: I know it sounds simple but the orange juice and almond croissants were my favorites, so delicious!
Laura: Wow, I noticed when you were talking about the croissant you had this big smile across your face, you really lit up when you talked about that meal.
Miguel: Yes, it was so good!
Laura: What else did you like about it? Was it from a cafe, did you like the ambiance?
Miguel: Mmm…it was ok.
Laura: I noticed you paused and your tone went down.
Miguel: Yea, I remembered that I lost my sunglasses in that cafe and I was reminded of it.
Laura: Yea, I noticed your shoulders even shrunk a bit.
Miguel: Yea, great glasses but the croissant was totally worth it!
Laura: Ha! And there’s that smile again.
Above Oprah’s office door at Harpo Studios, reads “You are responsible for the energy you bring into this room” this quote embodies Level Three listening. Where Level Two is about what the other person is saying, Level Three is about what the person is feeling. At this level, you’re noticing the embodiment of emotions, the silence, tense neck, sadness, compassion, and the rush of euphoria flashing on their face. You will find yourself fluctuating through the three levels and that’s OK, it’s normal and there are no bad/ wrong levels, they just have different purposes. For example, Level One listening can sound like the above example, or it could be about what you admire in the other person. However, if you catch yourself going back into Level One or two and wish to remain in Level Three, allow yourself to immerse back into the energy of the other person and what they’re saying.
Lastly, it’s solely a myth that connection can’t come from the virtual space, I will admit that it’s not the same but the cues, the nuances, it’s all there. The exhale, the nervous tick, the excitement, the joy, and the sadness and confusion- they’re all there, all on display during every conversation, it just takes some practice to identify.